Steps of Faith....

Warning: this post is long. Like, longer than I ever planned to blog. But I've never written about this topic, and I feel like doing it now. And on the interwebz, you can say whatever you want. Its also about how I feed my sweet daughter. Nursing. Breast feeding. If you don't care to read about that, there's still time to bail. Head over the facebook and see how everyone's farms and mafias are doing instead. Or, jump over to foodgawker.com and look at the fantastic food. I visit daily and drool. Still reading? Ok then, here goes!

Ok, so this is less about nursing and more about how God has grown my faith over the past year. Last December (2009), I didn't even DO Christmas. My iPod has over 500 Christmas songs. I usually live for Christmas! We had no tree, no music, no cookies, and no decorations. I wasn't pregnant, AGAIN, and I wanted to just sit in my pit of despair, please. We had 13 negative tests at that point, and I was in a low place.
I know some people may read this and say "What is she complaining about? That's nothing!" and I agree; lots and lots of women have had a harder and more emotionally difficult time with pregnancy. But this was huge for me. And when you're in the low place, all you seem to think about is yourself.
In early January I went to KC with my jewelry girls, and the morning we were leaving I took negative test #14. I left grumpy, but tried to not stay that way. Rally was fabulous, the fellowship was needed, but I still felt abandoned. We came home on a Saturday night, and I felt weird and off, so I took another test. Then I took another one. The next morning I took another one. ALL 3 WERE POSITIVE. You would think I would jump up and down, right? I should have, but I didn't. Instead, I feel deeper into my dark place, haunted by the thought of "OK, so when will I miscarry? When will this be taken from me?"

Someone (or many someones) must have been praying for me, because I slowly began to feel like this was going to be a good thing. Worrying about losing her instead of celebrating the miracle was crazy. I was going to have this baby, she was going to be mine. I also felt she was a "she" from the beginning. Weird, no? I just kept thinking about Matthew 6:27 about how worrying cannot add one hour to your life. I'm not good at memorizing verses. I get the main idea, but the reference is usually lost on me. This one included. I had to google the reference. Just being honest here, folks!

So, jump forward a year. This January I had a 3 month old love bug baby girl. Sophie. I may have mentioned her once or twice in previous posts? She's pretty much perfect. And I love her more than I thought humanly possible. That first second I held her I felt like I KNEW her. We had to wait to get her, and she made those 14 negative tests seem so insignificant.

Are you really still reading this? Dang, you are either a dedicated reader or nosy. Both are acceptable :)

Anywho, my faith is still being stretched and tested every day. I make EXACTLY enough milk to feed my baby at the babysitter the next day. It seems like so little, but she eats 2 4 or 5 ounce bottles during the day. And that is EXACTLY what I can pump. And she's still such a chunky monkey! On the days I've gotten ahead, it seems she has a growth spurt and eats is all. One day I left work with only 2 ounces pumped, freaking out. Then, she had an extra long nap after school, so I decided to pump and what did I get? 8 ounces. That's a lot for me in one session! Like manna from heaven, my God is good.

Formula is great; I'm just cheap and want to keep nursing. In all honesty, there are lots of days I just want to throw in the towel. It would be 100 times easier not to nurse. I want to eat a full 30 minute lunch. I want all of my plan time back. I never want to hear the wa-woosh, wa-woosh of my pump again. But then I think about how much I love our bonding time nursing. And about how it costs nothing. And about how good it is for my love bug.

I no longer have any milk stored in the freezer, and we have a can of formula in the cupboard for when we will need it. But so far, I can provide exactly what my baby needs. It is ONLY exactly what she needs, no more, but its working for now. I even freaked out and met with a lactation specialist, who did give me great ideas and suggestions, but I still can't get a stockpile in the freezer. And that makes me WORRY. Which I'm not SUPPOSED to do. When will I learn?

Sorry if I overshared. Its a problem of mine. Thanks for reading. Blogging is like therapy sometimes!

Jump-a-roo Lou

My.baby.is.5.months.old. Wait.......can that be right? I checked the calendar twice and its true...5 months! 20 weeks! 150 (ish) days! And I can hardly remember my life without her. I used to sleep in? Are you sure?

Introducing Sophie's new favorite spot to hang out: thankfully its not a dive bar or dirty truck stop (not that I would allow her to hang out in those places anyway, I'm SOMEWHAT of a good mother) She LOVES the Baby Einstein jumper! Sure, we have to stack 4 yearbooks under her feet so she can touch something, but she loves to be in her little "office" :) She spends a little time at the music station, then moves on to the spinning thing, then turns to the colorful rings. Busy day! Its adorable and hilarious.

(Can't get this one to turn the correct way, sorry for any neck pain you may experience) TOES TOES TOES! She LOVES her toes! They are getting closer to getting in her mouth, yummmmmm.
Um, can she be any more beautiful?

Rice cereal rocks our world lately, she's like a baby bird after each bite, opens her mouth SUPER big for more. It ends up on her hands, in her hair, ALL over but its so cute and she's so happy.

And the end result: happy, messy baby :)

My babysitter rocks and takes the kids to the park on nice days. She also lets me linger in the mornings when I don't want to say bye to Lou just yet. Thankfully there is no picture of that.
Anyway, Sophie in the swing! She's sooooo big!



Love you Lou, happy 5 month birthday!

Back at it......

I wish I could tell you that I haven't posted in 2 weeks because we have been doing interesting things.

Or that we've been busy feeding the homeless or making the world a better place.

Or we went on a fabulous vacation and are now tanned and relaxed.

Truth is, we are relaxed, but we have simply been boring, boring people. And I for one am quite the opposite of tan. :( Come on, summer!

The combination of Tim's concert week coming up and multiple snow days have included lots of sweat pants, book reading, and blog reading. It has been.......fabulous. :)

Sophie is even cuter than before (hard to believe, huh?) She recently found her feet and is now providing us with lots of entertainment pulling off her socks and trying to stuff her feet in her mouth. And what a chatty baby! I love hearing her tell me her thoughts on what I ate for lunch and what she thinks about Lady Gaga and where she would like to go shopping when she's older. Love that chunky monkey!

Bathtime Baby

Just to piggy back on the cute pics from a few days ago....

4 months

Dear Sophie Lou,
4 months is so big! You've had rice cereal twice now, and you are more active than ever. You are also doing such a great job and entertaining yourself lately, which is fun for everyone involved. We love watching you play in your bouncer or with your rattles or even just your hands.

Things you are/do:
* chatty
* giggle box
* smiley
* hungry!
* strong willed (your tantrums are already epic!)
* grab everything
* rolly polly - both because you roll and you're chunky :)
* bubble blower
* sweet blessing
* put your hands together like you're praying
* I'm pretty sure there's a good chance you're going to be left handed....you always have that hand in your mouth, and its the one you reach for toys and spoons with. Just like daddy and grandpa Trousdale!
* doing sit ups with mommy (ummm to clarify mommy's not doing any sit ups. you do them, I just help the process)
We love you more every day Little Lou! To quote your Daddy, "Awww, baby smiles are the best part of my day!" Your smiles and giggles melt our hearts :)

She's ready for WHAT?!?

4 months ago I had a little, tiny, sweet 6 pound 10 ounce lump of baby who couldn't hold her head up or stay awake for longer than 3 hours at a time. She had a sweet little cry and a scrunchy face. Now I have an even sweeter, happy, talkative, chunky 4 month old. She looks all over the place, and there IS a neck under those chubby cheeks! She pretty regularly sleeps through the night now, and is grabbing EVERYTHING and ANYTHING....and putting it right in her little kisser. She's a rolling baby too, rolling from her tummy to back often, and she's starting to attempt back to tummy.

Her 4 month doctor visit went fantastic....I'm don't mean to brag, but he said she IS advanced when it comes to bearing weight on her legs. Go Sophie! She had to get 3 shots in her thunder thighs, which she did not like one bit :( :( :( But, I guess polio and Hep B are worse, so she powered through.

THEN, he told me I need to start her on BABY CEREAL! No no no, big, older babies get that, not my tiny little baby girl! I thought I had 2 more months to get used to the idea of my child eating anything besides mommy milk; I'm the one that's not ready! So, being the well-read and research driven mother I am, I asked about most things I read saying wait until 6 months, and he told me smart doctor stuff about how that's true for solids like banana, but rice cereal is important for iron. He's a doctor so I believe him. So we tried it.

She was a little nervous at first.....

Then we prepared 1 tablespoon of the yummy stuff

Daddy's first time feeding a baby! They both did awesome!

She LOVED it! 60% of it ended up on her bib or in her neck rolls, but she kept opening her mouth for more!

All done! Yummy! Now she's ready to have a bath and go to sleep. I love my 4 month old baby girl!

Splish Splash

School.drives.me.crazy.
Seriously, most days I walk my students down to the door, and then I grab my stuff and I'm out the door at 3:20 on the dot. Then I drive (faster than I probably should) to get to my Sophie Lou. She may scream in my ear and burp in my face and poop while I'm holding her, but I prefer that to some of the junk that goes on at school and gives me ulcers. Oh sweet Sophie, you don't make 5th grade boys cry by telling them they have boobs (true story from today) and you don't (poorly) tell Your Mama jokes. Instead, you smile and look cute and talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk. I know we can't tell exactly what you're saying yet, but I'm pretty sure you're telling me how much you love me and your daddy. And how you think I look SO PRETTY.

Hands down, my favorite Sophie Lou time is BATH TIME! She used to HATE bath time, but now she gets so excited and kicks her legs and squeals! She has just figured out how to splash, so now bath time consists of 20 minutes of splashing and squealing, then we can actually get clean. PS, check out those fat rolls on her thunder thighs....SO CHUNKY!

Kick those legs!

Rubber duckie, you're the one....

I love bath time!

Now my hair is clean!

Hooded towel Sophie, so fresh and so clean clean